The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Reviews

(Re: Tolkien, etc.) 

This will probably be a lot of fun, right. Who says that we shouldn’t tell twelve-year-old white boys, and people who are twelve year old white boys at heart, that they aren’t far more important than they actually are, right? 

(15 seconds of 3.5 minutes of female screen time in movie) (your mom) Even the smallest white boy can change the future. 

Tolkien definitely isn’t Wagner, right. With Wagner there’s music, singing, love. In Tolkien a girl is either your weird girlfriend who brags that she’s Better Than You every time she scores a point against you in basketball, even though she makes 1/5 of the money you do—because that’s just your weird relationship dynamic, right—or else she’s your mom; or some kind of composite of the two: Protecter-Mom, right. (3 minutes of the 3.5 minutes of female screen time in the film, lol.) 

Wagner thought that women were an important part of the reproduction of patriarchy, right; Tolkien just didn’t have a use for them, basically. Didn’t Tolkien write somewhere that the dwarf population was only 1/3 female, and that the women often didn’t get married. “Slow population growth,” he noted—probably around Valentines’s Day, right. 

…. Wagner had forsaking love for the sake of power as a plot point: Tolkien just DID it, you know…. Although as soon as he married power, he started making noises about a divorce, right…. 

But yeah: who says that masc-y white boys can’t have fun. Answer: My mentally ill romantic former self of the early 2010s, ironically enough! It’s ok, though: I’ve grown since then. I know you don’t want me to ask for your take on me; I know you don’t want me to not know what to say, yet to say it anyway. 

It’s ok. 

But yeah: I agree with the concept of three “Hobbit” movies. Tolkien stories are long and complicated, and movies are short and simple; having three movies to a book like that is EQUITY, homies. Also might give Peter Jackson some leeway to play with it a bit, something that John R.R.T. wasn’t known to do, right. “First name? Pah! In my day: a man didn’t have a first name. He’s a man, you see?” 

I don’t, but…. That’s ok. Feel no obligation to explain. 

~But yeah, “The Hobbit” could easily be the better of the two stories, once you correct for the issue of length, right. Consider, first LOTR: 

(Gandalf) Grandson, I want to write a story to make people feel sorry for themselves, maybe get them in church. Any ideas? 

(Pippin) Grand-dad, just write about an evil magic artifact that “proves” that power is evil, and misery alone endureth. That’s a very depressing story—make lots of people feel sorry for themselves, right. (beat) Be sure to include lots of stuff about how the West is dying, and the East sure to conquer. 

(Gandalf) (nods) Karate Kid bad; short kid good. (tries to get up, fails) (beat) I’ll just rest here, a while. 

~There is something about England and littleness, right. When other countries go rogue, they become Greater: Greater Germany, Greater Whatever: and soon, you WILL be a part of it! But the more trad-style England is, the more it’s Little England, you know: does anyone really deserve to be part of England? Can anyone ever TRULY be worthy?…. Like, the little trad English man: little, small, proud, but not too powerful, a little deceitful, and perhaps a little timid, but…. Honest, you know. The honest weak man. Of England. 

~And of course, much of that remains in “The Hobbit”, (or was foreshadowed), but it’s a fundamentally better story, less ruined by what Nietzsche might call “the taint of moralism” or something like that. (And yes, yes: I know, Wagner, Nietzsche: don’t I know that Germans are a bad sort, that they got kicked out of the white race when they became Hitler, right? “Hitler is bad for white supremacy, young man, bad business….” Maybe Germans are…. Egyptian, right. Maybe they, used to, walk like an…. ~I’m sorry. I know not everybody likes all that, you know…. (your mom) Many of the great songs were written before I gave birth to you. Much that was known of them is lost, for none now live, who…. (realizes that there’s no way to end that sentence in a logical, correct way) (waves hands) Anyway…. ~Yeah: “The Hobbit”—we’re literally just talking about killing a dragon and grabbing his stuff, right…. 

And many a fine mansion in a magazine was built with dragon-bones, you know; many a wed couple was wed beneath the aegis of his wings…. 

I speak of general verities. 

…. (reads back of DVD) It’s like a coven—Thorin Oakenshield’s All-Male Coven, right…. 

May the Straight White Boy-Straight White Boy Romance, commence. lol. 

…. And yeah: I don’t know how I feel about the Great Enemy of England being the “Necromancer” right: John T isn’t exactly Sunday School education, or Edwardian manners—which probably counts for at least as much in many churches as anything else—but yeah, we have Gandalf, the Odinic Christ, right: but that’s “good” because it’s like the power and nobility of our warrior tribe, and the mystique of primitive masculinity, right…. “Necromancer” kinda implies, “pure paganism” (whatever that means), and reflect the fear of psychic powers…. (horror movie whisper) “he talks to dead people….” 

Basically, it suggests the background essentially being a Folk Christian king, preserving runic lore, or whatever, but also sallying out into the heath to slay the “heathen”, basically…. 

I’m not going to go into this: but it is funny how well Marxist memes and Tolkien personnel—people, at least—go together online, right. It’s like, would these two people, like each other…. Would embracing masculinity be enough to bring them together? 

Yeah. 

…. Ok….

Let’s see: Music by Howard Shore—respect…. 

…. “Frodo, I am a wise old male….” Cool. “The city was peaceful and prosperous” We’re taking bets on how long that keeps up, lol…. 

“And where sickness thrives, bad things will follow.” I agree, Socrates. “…. People died.” Yup. 

Why can’t I have another dress, honey. “Long ago, in the dragon times, the dragon Smog came, and….” Ok, I’m alive and that’s enough. Ok. Great. (walks out as he tells the whole twelve hour story) 

…. Some of these lines are really funny, omg…. 

…. Who wants to take bets there are no girls in this movie, lol…. Omg, he hides the valuable stuff before parties: guess he’s not married, is he…. It’s like a trench, only turned into a manor house: no need for girls, though…. 

…. Why Fehu: does he need money?…. 

But yeah: I’m always struck my how weird “my kind” is, right: the Race of Mars…. 

…. Life lessons: steal food, lol 

…. I’m glad I’m not really a male anymore, so to speak…. But yeah: that’s exactly what happens to me in tarot/rune readings, a lot…. Oh, Fehu means: lots of crap; come take it…. Like, it definitely helps you make sense of the ~past~, right…. (laughing cat emoji) 

…. But yeah: 

Odinic Christ: Do you want an adventure? 

Bilbo: No. 

Odinic Christ: Well, screw you; I’m going to die for you, someday. (carves rune for ‘good loot found here’) (wanders off, whistling suspiciously) 

…. Just trying to figure out: (a) why everyone is so pompous; I’ve been through bureaucracy meetings that were more exciting; (b) why this story makes sense: or is it just like…. “It’s impossible…. Hahaha, we did it: the writers were on our side” (back-clapping), and (c) why does anybody like Gandalf, and what does he do that’s at all sympathetic; he seems to remind me a “traitor” Druid counseling a chieftain how to bring Saxon pagans into line, more than anything else. 

…. Yeah, I mean: the folk music was good; the idea of a quest that spans more than one lifetime is good; but I just don’t like them, you know—they’re just pompous males…. Up, female hobbit extra in non-speaking role around minute 40: was I wrong? LOL 

…. The landscape shots are nice…. 

…. “And then, Azog the Afri—“ 

(Peter Jackson) (waves, “no”) 

“Er, Azog the, Funny-Looking….” 

(Peter Jackson) (gives thumbs up) 

Or is he like, Irish, or something? He’s a “pale orc”, right? Irish people didn’t used to be white; the St. Patrick’s Day revelers of today don’t know, and don’t experience, much either good or bad about any of it…. But yeah, Tolkien didn’t like the Irish, did he? He hated the sound of the language. He only liked Old English and Welsh, and most of the Germanic tongues, I guess; you can almost guess from what he thinks of Jane Austen clergyman manners what he thinks of Latin and Greek: although that at least shows bravery; I can’t fault him for that…. 

…. But yeah: there’s no political party for me, right, although I do vote. It is what it is. Tolkien-Jackson could be like a political ticket, you know, (if not for nationality, other things like that): although they’d be about nine days in power, before their followers figured out they weren’t BOTH going to get what they wanted, right. Nine days a president, right. 

…. Yeah, it is a feature you see in French politics, I’m told: the alliance of the extreme left and extreme right. Maybe “Tolkien” could be president of France, or something. 

Kink in the knot: death to dagos and frogs; they’re just not ~moral~ like good old SAXON England, right. Wussy cowards, you know. (shrugs) 

(pauses) What does the left see in Tolkien, again? This is so confusing, you guys. 

…. Or maybe Azog is “the Hun”, right—in order to fight WWI Germany, England had to throw it out of the white race, right. 

…. The Radagast Interlude (although he’s coming back, I guess), is nice: not awful like a lot of it; recognizable as a sort of Druid—the wizards of pop fiction, right—and sorta nervous but not too terribly done…. I suppose that anyone can be nervous, right…. But yeah, it’s like…. (Sorting Hat) “Sure you don’t want your persecute Druids? Persecuting their wizardry would help you grow…. But if it’s not the Druids you’ll be wanting to kill, I suppose it’ll have to be— (loud voice) WITCHES!” 

~Not that “Harry Potter” isn’t common food, you know: a common gulp; dross…. But yeah: that would be like what fantasy stories Really are like, right: children, Christian children, get sorted into groups based on what kind of paganism they want to destroy…. LOL…. 

…. Yeah, the trolls were funny, right…. I don’t know what it’s supposed to be based on: probably just other mainstream movies and/or bedtime stories, right: “Get the children to sleep! Tell them a story!” “I’ve never been outside the village; what’s ever happened to me?” “Make. Something. Up.”…. Although it is amusing, not like some of it…. I guess there could be creatures harmed by sunlight: there are different names that exist for things like that…. I don’t know if it they’re supposed to be highwaymen; but they seem too…. Something…. To be anything but a Bed-time story…. Something, right…. Yeah, a lot of fantasy stories are B.S., lol…. I won’t make comparisons: I know that the High Tolkien Fanboy Council is seriously considering assassinating me as it is…. But yeah, the trolls are just kinda…. A comedy sketch, almost…. Not real. 

…. Almost anything is better than Gandalf and Thorin B.S.-ing though…. The two big bosses at work, right, like…. Yeah, it’s like: I am INSPIRED…. I want to work HARDER, right…. (lol.) 

…. Let’s see: they made some money; good for them…. 

Radagast came back; only now he’s more unambiguously a moron, plus also a plot-point dumper, it’s like…. ? ~I mean, I guess both of those things are inevitable, but…. 

And yeah: “And then, they attract, Negative-Spirit!” 

What’s the origin of the curse, Peter. What’s its nature. What’s going on. 

(shrugs) “Well, you know: plot-points attract paychecks…. All Things Come Together…..!” 

Uh huh. 

And yeah: action sequences. Well, that comes with the territory, right. 

…. Well, anyway: so now we get to see if Italians and Germans can get along: quick, nobody talk about their favorite opera…. 

…. Yeah, “Rivendell” is pretty, for sure…. Maybe I should go there, lol…. 

(They don’t like the food) Hardcore German patriots, lol: all you need is steak and potatoes; and you don’t have to cook the steak, OMG…. 

“Moon runes” 

I don’t know if that’s…. But it is curious…. Oh, that’s what I wanted to do: (internet) Let’s see: I was born under a waxing moon, the fourth day of the lunar month, not counting the dark moon; it was also a Friday. 

…. But yeah, certain things have to happen on certain times. It’s not like, always just 9-5 Monday-Friday, like we imagine: doesn’t matter, and all that… 

…. (Azog the Unlikely) what a propaganda villain, right…. So much, more…. Than is necessary. 

…. Up; I was wrong: 1 hr 34 min in: we have a real female character: the Moon-Queen…. (I guess to Germans, Italian=Celtic?….). I wonder how long this will last…. 

(Saruman) Up, well, that was a full minute, I guess, in which female authority mattered…. 

…. Wow: that was boring…. 

…. And Galadriel is like: don’t forget about your mom, either. She’s sad that there isn’t a girl who’s important in this story. Try to play that part down, with the reporters, Gandalf. 

…. (Gandalf) Some people like, JS Bach, or Wagner, the best: I rather prefer…. Ralph Vaughan Williams, you know…. 

…. Yeah, although it is funny: there’s “war” and there’s, “unexplained killings”, basically: no need to confuse the two, friend. 

…. Although yeah: that is one way to deal with social entanglements: can’t knock the hustle…. 

~And it’s like: I mess up the schedule, and then I’m embarrassed and I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to play it right: as it gets worse and worse…. And then it’s over and I’m here with them and they’re like, (shrugs), There are a lot of other people I have to kill before I get to you, right. 

~It is funny how like, the whole diplomacy of everything is determined by how people look: it’s like America—you don’t want to look TOO good: but you do NOT want to be, Ugly, right…. But yeah: blowing a social entanglement could be like, an ~hour~ of “Gossip Girl”, easy: in this show, it’s like…. ~Hey we got away; it’s over…. ~(shrugs) Sometimes they’re right, you know. 

…. (Finally gets the words like the 100th sitting) (150th, lol) “The pines were roaring, all along the height; trees blazed like torches, filled with light.” (I take it that, means something, lol….?)

Cool story, bro. 

…. It’s interesting how the giants don’t give a shit about them; they’re just fighting each other, and being giants, and their Elemental madness/magic causes chaos for the brave little Vikings, right. 

I’ll buy that. 

…. (generic hanging off a cliff/generic insults) 

Yup. Playing to the base. Solid economics, lol. 

…. (Bilbo and the watchman) A unusually good scene. Not genius, but for a boys’ adventure story: pretty good. 

…. (action scenes) For action scenes, this is actually kinda interesting. 

…. Giving the Goblin Chief around 250 pounds of fat in his neck/chin is kinda…. It’s lame, you know. Like Peter Jackson is Australian, I think: but it’s like America gobbling up Aussie-dom, right: if he’s got that much fat in his chin…. He should probably, DIE!!! lol. 

…. (playing mind games with schizophrenics lol) 

Save yourself and others grief, and do not play mind games with schizophrenics in real life, lol. 

You would never win at riddles with a schizophrenic, you know: although the two of you would never agree upon the rules. 

The only thing that would really stand would be emotions, you know…. You could say, Blah blah blah, Fear!; or blah blah blah: you’re safe! And he might get that—especially the fear, maybe not the calm, right…. 

But John flexing his Old English riddle-craft skills on the floridly mentally ill: it’s like…. WOW. 

And, NO. Also: NO, right…. Omg…. Omg…. Ok. 

…. I mean, I realize I wasn’t charming as a symptomatic person, right: but you couldn’t see my backbone, right—my hair was actually rather too full (lazy) rather than…. Like, is Gollum bald? 

Can you imagine being a diagnostician: a psychiatrist or psychologist or psychiatric social worker, if it was like…. “Given that we can see your backbone, and that you’re not wearing any clothes: we’d like to put you on…. (quickly Googles something)” 

Right? 

…. Odin-Jesus…. Is the Light…. 

~All right: I’ll admit, visually: it looks cool. 

…. Although there wasn’t really an attempt to make it: you know, plausible. 

(shrugs) 

…. —Do you think that the Ring is that story from Plato? Power to become invisible = the perils of power? 

—Vikings can do anything. I saw a movie once, that proves it. It’s their blue eyes. They just gaze at their enemies with their blue eyes: and they just…. Explode, you know. Their beauty alone destroys their enemies, right. 

…. “And then I decided: NOT, to kill the schizophrenic weirdo.” 

(makes clicking noise of approval) Classy. 

“I am Radagast the Brown: and I approve this message.” 

…. “Edwardian males are fundamentally good people, my Viking friend”, seemed pretty repetitive. 

And yeah: BTS should do a song like, “Fake Magic”, although I won’t know what they’re saying, and won’t bother to look it up. 

LOTR music does have a certain charm, but so much of it isn’t new, right…. I feel like…. Omg, a father just walked by telling his 7 year old daughter in lecture voice that not everything in a book is true. OMG. (That’s so funny, bro.) 

…. And the action, I don’t know: I’m waiting for it to get good, right…. Yup, if you can’t beat the Vietcong: just wait for the air support, brother. That’s what all the real heroes, do…. 

(Azog the Unlikely screaming in honor-pain because Chairman Mao didn’t give HIM an air-force, right…. Oh well. He does seem like a jerk, lol.) 

…. Yeah: US Special Forces Strike Team Gandalf (15 men) nearing Baghdad—liberation is imminent, lol…. 

And yeah: modestly cringe-worthy, right…. The point of being a man is to tell the other guy that HE isn’t a man: but it will NEVER happen to YOU, [random guy it will happen to, lol] 

~Although I’ll probably watch the other five fucking movies, eventually: hopefully without paying for them, new, right. 

…. Oh wow: it was a boys’ choir, who did that Catholic-esque music, right. I thought that was their idea of the stereotypically feminine, lol. 

….. But yeah: if I were a girl, I wouldn’t have married Thorin or whoever, even if all that gold were his, OMG….

In the Lonely Mountains, the treasure-filled dwarf kingdom of Erebor is overtaken by the dragon Smaug, forcing the dwarves to abandon their home. Set 60 years before the events of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, An Unexpected Journey concerns humble Hobbit Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman), who's suddenly visited by the wizard Gandalf (Ian McKellen) and thirteen dwarves led by the great Thorin Oakenshield (Richard Armitage). The company is on a quest to reclaim Erebor, and are on the lookout for a small, stealthy thief to join the team. Although initially reluctant, Bilbo agrees to be the dwarves' burglar, leaving the comfort of his warm home as he sets out into the perilous world of Middle-earth. Thrust into the adventure, Bilbo encounters trolls and Orcs, as well as the cave of the creature Gollum where he finds the infamous One Ring…

Tolkien's Lord of the Rings novels ran for a total of 1500 pages and thus needed to be extensively truncated for the screen, but The Hobbit is a meagre 300 pages long, compelling Jackson and his co-writers (Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens and original director Guillermo del Toro) to extend the slender kid's book to produce a prequel trilogy. Rather than simply padding everything out, the writers mined material from Tolkien's other works, further delving into certain characters and establishing additional connections to the LOTR universe. Cynical critics are destined to bash the trilogy notion as a cash-grab, and whine and moan that An Unexpected Journey feels too padded out, but the film actually works. It may be easy to call the film overlong but I cannot think of any scene or dialogue exchange that should be removed. Running at 160 minutes, the film has breathing room for proper character development and dramatic growth, two aspects of which are crucial in a story with so many protagonists. An Unexpected Journey is inherently tied to the events of The Fellowship of the Ring as well. The tale is framed around elderly Bilbo (Ian Holm) writing his memoirs while preparations for his 111th birthday party are well underway. To further the prequel angle, An Unexpected Journey is not solely concerned with the dwarves setting out to reclaim their home - there's a side story involving Gandalf investigating the possibility of Sauron's impending return.

Bilbo is initially anxious about leaving The Shire and he doesn't feel a sense of belonging with the dwarves, but he gradually develops into a man of courage and confidence, and his originally pessimistic companions grow to accept the Halfling as one of their own. This character arc gives the picture a degree of heart and emotion, two aspects which made The Lord of the Rings so excellent. Another tremendous benefit of An Unexpected Journey is the colourful and lively dialogue, not to mention the picture's wonderful sense of humour. The comedy does not feel cheap, however, but rather a natural extension of the dwarves' personalities as well as the nature of dwarves in general. The reintroduction of Gollum (Andy Serkis) is another huge plus. The return of this cult favourite comes at just the right time, and his game of riddles with Bilbo provides a delightful scene of character interaction that's every bit as exciting as the large-scale battles. Gollum looks astonishingly realistic here, highly detailed and with plenty of facial nuance courtesy of Serkis' expectedly brilliant motion capture performance that's incredibly entertaining to watch. Anyone who has read The Hobbit (this reviewer included) will be stoked with Jackson's cinematic treatment of some of the book's most iconic scenes.

Jackson started his career in low-budget cinema, forcing him to make the most of every dollar and focus on intensity rather than pure effects overload. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is a CGI bonanza, yet the film is also genuinely exciting and at times nail-biting. The decade separating The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit has yielded enormous technological advancements; Jackson's WETA Workshop have raised the bar yet again, providing some of the most vibrant and stunning digital effects glimpsed in a motion picture this year. A few creatures admittedly look a bit too glossy and digital, however, and one feels that the creatures should've been brought to life using the incredible make-up effects which made the Uruk-hai in LOTR so memorable. Still, it's often difficult to discern where the live-action halts and the CGI begins. Plus, location shooting plays a huge part in the production, with the expansive landscapes of New Zealand providing gorgeous vistas and with intricate set construction breathing amazing life into Tolkien's visions.

Due to the decision to shoot digitally, An Unexpected Journey carries a different cinematic look, though the colour timing is reminiscent of LOTR. Cinematographer Andrew Lesnie also shot The Hobbit in 3-D in 48 frames per second (as opposed to the traditional 24fps) to give the experience a hyper-realistic look. The 48fps aspect will be polarising; for this reviewer, it was uniquely enthralling and the 3-D effects are extremely impressive. Watching An Unexpected Journey in 48fps 3-D is breathtaking, but it is equally effective in regular 2-D at 24fps, which is actually the preferred method of viewing since it feels more in keeping with the LOTR trilogy. The whole thing is topped off with Howard Shore's score, which is just as flavoursome and engaging as his work on The Lord of the Rings.

With over a decade having passed since the filming of The Lord of the Rings, returning actors look unusually older even though they're meant to be 60 years younger. It's not hugely problematic per se, but Ian Holm does not quite look the same as he did in The Fellowship of the Ring, and Elijah Wood's cameo takes you out of the film because of his aging. Moreover, while McKellen remains an excellent Gandalf, he too looks much older, and it's disappointing that make-up did not rectify this. In spite of this, performances are incredible right down the line. Martin Freeman is Bilbo Baggins. He does not simply play the part, he embodies it, and absolutely no-one else could've tackled this character. Another standout is Richard Armitage as Thorin, a dwarf both badass and charismatic who makes a huge impression as the company's leader. There are a lot of extra dwarves populating the background, only some of which stand out. My favourite was Irishman James Nesbitt (from the miniseries Jekyll), who's funny and energetic as Bofur.

It's difficult to be disappointed with The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. It takes a little while to get going, but the picture truly takes off after the first hour, providing exceptional battle scenes and well-judged character interaction. It's good old-fashioned adventure epic fun, and it shows that Peter Jackson still has a gift for telling stories in this world. An Unexpected Journey is a wonderful return to Middle-earth and a breathtaking opener for this new trilogy. It's nothing short of a miracle that The Hobbit was even made after being so extensively delayed, so it's fortunate that this first part doesn't suck. Bring on the next two instalments!

9.2/10

I already saw this movie, I even saw it in the movie theater when it was released, but since I just bought an awesome brand new TV, I thought I might as well check it out again. On top of that, I just bought the Extended edition on Blu-ray. Anyway, back then, now more than 20 years ago, I went every year with my buddies to watch 'The Lord of the Rings' movies and we had a blast each time. For this prequel trilogy, I went with my (now ex-)wife and 2 step-children which was pretty emotional, at least for me. We went to see it in IMAX 3D with 48 fps but I'm not so sure if I should advise you to watch this movie in this format. Honestly, it took me at least 30 minutes to get use to it and I'm pretty sure the movie would be just as enjoyable in a more standard version. Anyway, how was the movie then? Well, the first time around, I thought it was awesome and it was visually quite impressive. The point is that, story wise, how can you judge this movie since you have seen only a third of the whole story? The strength of the LOTR trilogy is that each installment was better than the previous one and there was this amazing built-up lasting for 8 hours with a massive climax. This movie was supposed to be just a warm-up, at least, I was hoping for. Eventually, anyone who loved the previous trilogy should really enjoy this movie, that's for sure. Indeed, it was grand to get back to Middle Earth, to hear the music, to see the Shire and Bilbo's house and to go once again in another adventure with Gandalf the Grey. However, you can feel that Peter Jackson was really stretching the material though and, unfortunately, each time I re-watched this movie, it does impress me less and less after each re-watch. Well, after all these years, I came to the conclusion that I was actually way too enthusiast when I first watched it. Anyway, to conclude, even though this movie and this whole trilogy never turned out to be as awesome as I was hoping for, I still think it is it worth a look especially if you love 'The Lord of the Rings' trilogy like I do.