My Top 35 Halloween Favorites: Crazy A$s Bitchez

 For my money, despite the gene for good looks that runs in the family, probably the most beauteous of the female members of the country clan of Judds, Ashley applies her outrageously outright gorgeous good-looks to that of a femme fatale whose hatred for men is outmatched only by her psycho-infused killing spree.



  Even though this is a film that was never considered keen by either critics or audiences, the truth is, I still found myself enjoying it. Maybe it was its stylishness, it's just slightly off-kilter characters, its melodic soundtrack or even its rare ability to use k. d. Lang in a movie role (I mean, even though it's just a small supporting role, the fact that were even able to use her and make it work, that's gotta count for something...).
 Or maybe it's just because of my incessant infatuation with Ashley Judd. Who knows...
 The way I see it, when it comes to breaking down the reason as to why anyone would find themself attracted to any kind of serial killing character, it probably just all depends on the eye of the beholder.

 Here's a dark ditty of deviltry about a family made up of rebellious, ratchety-ass rednecks that includes a Baby. A Baby who, in the movie in real life and fittingly enough, is married to the white Zombie responsible for all of this.



   The 1970’s was the decade that introduced the notion that there are horrors that await any poor souls who may find themselves lost out in the middle of the southern backwoods of the country. The evil in this particular brand of fear usually comes in the form of a inbred type of clan structure that tend to keep to themselves except when visited upon by wayward strangers who have no clue on what they have stumbled into. 
  Now, if I’m being honest, I’m not normally the biggest fan of Rob Zombie’s film work, but if I had to choose one that was the best of the bunch, this would be the one.

Y'know, if a kid ends up with a babysitter who's built like a long legged super-model, and she's really "cool" and "gets" him, there could be a chance that he may have made a deal with the devil. Especially at an age when other kids have sorta outgrown the whole "being sat while the parents are away" thing.
In The Babysitter, it's the long legged babysitter who has made the deal. But, in typical scary cinematic fashion, it's the kid who's gotta pay the price. And after seeing that her long legs also come with a demonic cult who need to sacrifice young boys in order to satiate the appetites of their dark lord and master, that's usually the point where a kid comes to the conclusion that maybe he is old enough to look after himself whenever mommy and daddy are gone.

Y'know, when this movie first hit theaters, the overall view that I kept reading from critics (that is, after reading all the in-depth analytical views of what their interpretation of what the roles males and females were in modern society, a major metaphor in this movie's story) was that Gone Girl is a "great movie with a bad ending".
After hearing what people whom I knew that saw this flick, the over-all view from them was that is was a "great movie with a bad ending".
So after GG had been in theaters for a few weeks and I finally got a weekend free from my work deadlines, I decided check out this movie and see what all the hubbub was about. When the move was over, I walked out of the theater and allowed myself a couple of days to dwell upon on the incisive themes that were spewed about the plot and let my thoughts marinate before I decided what my opinion was of Gone Girl.
And my ultimate conclusion?
Basically, it's a "great movie with a bad ending".

  I tried to avoid putting any kind of female assassins on this list, since most assassins, no matter what sex they are, are a little askew in the ol' noggin by just the nature of their business. And I wanted this list to focus specifically on the kind of bitchez who provoke fear more through the unrefined and more explosive spontaneousness of their instability than the more focused psychosis that makes up the mindset of a hired killer.
But, as anyone who has seen the first volume of Quentin Tarantino's Bride saga knows,
Gogo Yubari is a teenage hit-girl with more than enough cray-cray cred to warrant her ass a spot on this list.

Here's a Mexican movie that was remade three years later in the U.S., under the same title, but with some pretty dramatic changes to it's setting. And it's because that these changes were so dramatic (some may even say "drastic"), that this is the version that many feel has more spice in it's menu.
After the father dies unexpectedly, a struggling family must find a way to put food on the table. But which family member will "man up" and fill the role of breadwinner, especially since this family has very "particular" tastes when it comes to what they eat? Or, to put it in another way, one of them must now accept the responsibility of bringing home the kind of bacon that isn't found in the frozen meat section of the local grocery store.
And they better decide soon, because Mom can become quite a bloodshedding bitch when she finds out that the cupboard of carnage is bare.

Tina is a middle age maiden who has started dating Chris, an aspiring writer who likes to take road trips in his caravan. At the begiining of one such trip, Tina comes to find that her boyfriend is a serial killer (or at least, he's someone who kills whenever he can "find" a reason to murder his victim). And while in most serial killing relationships, it's the man who who usually takes charge, Tina's discovery that her taste for killing is even more addicting than her beau's, it soon becomes quite obvious who wears the bloodspilling pants in this multiple manslaughtering relationship.

A modern day Bonnie and Clyde, Mallory and Mickey are a young couple madly in love with each other and who both share a driving passion for high octane adventure. So they hit the road on an interstate search for crime and killery (I know, I know, that's not even a word....) and experience a maniacal journey filled with media obsessed popularity and effed up serial killing shenanigans.
Two lovers on the lam whose hunger for each is outmatched only by their thirst for blood.

 Okay, we all know by now that when it comes to the seductive dance of romance, hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned.
  Therefore, the challenge becomes of how someone can tell whether the woman in the scenario is truly in love with them or if she's just a remarkably incessant psychopath?
Well, if her infatuation is based on love, true love,
then she is after your heart.
If her infatuation is based on murderous madness,
then, she is after your heart, your lungs, your limbs, etc.
 Separately.
  The fact that this movie has been promoted as a horror film, let alone that it's on this list, makes it easy to guess which of those two categories that May fits into.

 As many of us know by now, most witches are easily susceptible to being bitchez.
 So I could easily have a made a Halloween list of movies that features an entire coven of witches being bitchez.
 However, since I don't think that there are that many good films that feature wicked wielders of witchcraft (outside the Harry Potter franchise, of course),
this is the only one that I have featured here.



 Craftily portrayed by an actress named Fairuza Balk (heck, even her real name sounds like it belongs to a witch), Nancy Downs is one in a quadruplet of teenage mystic she-Mages, who eventually gives in to the Dark Side that persistently plagues all those who practice the eldritch arts of sunless sorcery.

 Here's a movie that is sort of the dark version of the 1964 hit, Mary Poppins. But in The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, instead of magical powers to help keep her to look after and teach life lessons to the children, the nanny is a crazy ass bitch who's looking to promote herself all the way into the role of the mother. And not "in the most delightful way".



 Actually, after including the placement this movie on this list and it's particular theme, I noticed that three of the films here were released in the year of 1992 (Basic Instinct, SWF and this one). Which I found a bit odd since you don't normally see the release of psychological thrillers themed around the idea of a fearsome femme fatale in the same 12-month season.
 And each one of them is a story about women who were so whacked out, that a hot flash of murderous rage was all it took to make 'em pick up a sharp object and wield it in a manner that makes their male slasher counterparts all look like a buncha bitchez.
 I guess for 1992, that "time of the month" was one that lasted all year long.

  Despite the word "Exorcism" in its title, here is a movie that, for me at least, could probably qualify more as a theological courtroom drama than it could as a straight-up possession film. That might explain why this movie is rated as being not so "fresh" over there at that one site that I'm sure everyone knows I'm referring to. I'm assuming that it got such a middling rating because many viewers may have felt disappointed or misled by it. That, however, didn't affect the film's box office too bad, although the director, Scott Derrickson has gone on a record as saying that he was hoping that Emily Rose would have performed better.
  Still, I recommend it for the scenes depicting the character of Emily Rose. Played by actress Jennifer Carpenter, she approached the part as though she were, well, y'know... "possessed" by the role. In scenes filled with demonic dementia that would've revealed the limitations of most any other actor, she snarled and screamed as though with every primordial atom in her being, while her body terrifyingly writhed and convulsed with the inner struggles that usually result whenever a dispirited devil decides to take residence within one's soul. Now, while I agree that this is a flawed film, particularly in the way that it was "sold" to audiences, I have to say that in my humble opinion, the negatives were effectively countered by the positives. And the most prominent positive is the acting job of by the lead actress, Jennifer Carpenter. The high-level intensity that she brings to a female character who truly believes that she is possessed in one of the most convincing that I have ever seen of a person whose soul has been taken over by a demon. For me, her scenes of possession were more than enough to raise a goosebump or two onto the flesh of any typical horror-hardened scare-flick fan. 

  First, Gozer the Gozerian sounds like it could be a male's name.
But in reality, it takes on the form a female (well, it does at first.... eventually, as a Destructor, it takes on the form of a giant Marshmallow Man....but for the purposes of this list, we'll focus on Gozy's more feminine side). But whether it has a penis between its hell-spawned legs or no, a Destructor is still a destructor.
 So, who are you gonna call to stop this nimble lil' minx before "she" decides to take a big bite out of the Big Apple?
 The only guys around who know how to show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown, that's who.

 Typically, whenever a babysitter is the subject of a horror movie's theme, said babysitter is commonly portrayed as the unfortunate victim at the hands of some ghastly and murderous protagonist. In this story, Emelie, the babysitter in question turns the tables on that time honored trope and proves that, in her hands, the babies who are sat would've probably been better off if the parents decided to stay home that night.

 How do you get back at your mom for being a crazy-ass bitch who likes to wield a wire hanger?
 Try writing a based-on-my-life book that's ends up becoming a movie.

 And while we're on the subject of a mommie dearest...



 If you're a teenage girl who's whole life has been plagued with sickly conditions and symptoms, to the point where you are wheelchair bound, then you really have to rely on your family just to help you get by. And if the only family you have is your mother, who is single because of the amount of care you require, then the limitations of your conditions can be even more restrictive.
But if you come find out that those restrictions and your symptoms are only really there because your mom is one crazy ass bitch, then your only option is to... run.
*remembers the part about the wheelchair* ....D'oh!!

She's single,
she's white,
and she's female.
And why doesn't the movie title also describe her as crazy?
Because, as any man of reasonable experience with women knows,
that would be an insanely redundant thing for the movie title to point out.



  As I mentioned in the entry for The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, there were three of these crazy ass bitchez type of thrillers that were released in the year 1992. One of the reasons for this is because the 90's were the epitome of the formula flick. This was the decade in which major movie studios would a successful formula from one movie and then try to repeat again in other films that were sequels from that first film. It's one of the reasons why the 1990's were one of the bloated decades when it came to big budget cinema overcrowding the theaters. And while, way more often than not, any of the "xeroxed" films tended to be not very good, this one, SWF, was thankfully one of the better ones. That's because, instead of taking the formula of a "roommate's worst nightmare" and running it through the mill of tropey trudgery, this plot had a twist that was to distinguish it from the typical same old same old. And while that twist wasn't the kind of big surprise that raised the genre to new heights, it still managed to thrill audiences enough to make it a "cultural touchstone" when it came to female branded potboilers of the time.

Roaming throughout the history of scary cinema are plenty of "don't go into the woods" horror movies like the Evil Dead, Blair Witch Ptoject, heck, even Deliverance. And the message in all these kinds of films is that going into the woods is a great way to meet one's maker. What Keeps You Ailve is one of those movies. And watching it always gets me to contemplating the question of what are the kind of things that I can think of that help to keep me alive.
And of course, there are several things that I could say as an answer to that question. But based on the context of this movie, I'd say that one of the primary things that has helped to keep me alive so far is the continual habit not going into the f#ckin' woods.



Especially, with a crazy f#ckin' ass bitch.

Whenever someone says "You have your mother's eyes", usually it's meant as a compliment. In this 2016 black and white indie horror flick, it's something someone says right before they end up getting chopped up and put in a freezer.

 To be quite frank, if I wanna be dragged to Hell, all I hafta do is stop emptily escaping into the internet, walk away from my computer, and go out into the world we are currently living in. And if that sounds like some kind of political/social statement about these modern times, that's because it is. And if me saying that makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy, then all I can say is, welcome to Hell. Glad I was able to drag you into it.

Back in 1971, Clint Eastwood premiered the first Dirty Harry flick and began his tour de force as the infamous magnum welding San Francisco cop with a 70's machismo-sized chip on his shoulder and with a message to all the law-unabiding "punks" out there....that he's mad as hell and he's not gonna take it anymore!
Well, that same year, Evelyn Draper came along in Play Misty For Me and showed all the men that not only is she as angry as the rule busting inspector, but more importantly, that she is a woman scorned.
And we all know about the fury that results from that of a woman who has been scorned....
it's enough to make the Magnum .44 or any other gun from Smith & Wesson look like a pea-shooter.
In other words, she's crazy as hell and she's not gonna be scorned anymore, Clint!

  Sometimes there's a fine line between being a crazy ass bitch and being a female online vigilante teen who is simply lookin' out for any of her sister goddesses who are easy prey for any predators who roam throughout the internet looking for likely underage conquests. 
  Before Elliot Page was Ellen Page, "he" was a lethal female cutie who, like "her" character in this movie, probably would've cut off my balls for making such a statement. Hard Candy is a really cool and effective psychological thriller that makes potent use of several elements that help to define what these kinds of movie premises are going to look like in the New Millenium. The days of lunatic ladies boiling a bunny in a pot to make their point are over and the age of turning the tide against a male villain through use of his very own terror tactics is now upon us. A woman can do anything that a man can do is the message here as the advantage between prey and predator keeps going in circles in this story, making viewers continually keep switching from side to side on the edge of their seat.
  In this battle of who wears the pants in this confrontation, it's a story that today can come as somewhat ironically topical when you consider that the main star in this movie when from being she to a he in the midst of this whole identification transition that we're currently living in.

Alice, Sweet Alice is a movie that was fortunate enough to have come out when it did.
At the time, the genre of the slasher flick hadn't taken root yet.
Therefore, sexual boundaries had not yet been set as to what gender one must be in order to establish one's as a murderously relentless, knife welding, masked maniac.



And even though we do see the occasional feminine face lurking behind a bladed weapon aimed at carving it's fair share of cadres of corpses, in today's world, the slashing game still seems to be mostly a boy's club.

Grandma is acting funny. Y'know, that funny way that old people tend to act like when it's tme to consider not letting 'em live on their own anymore. So Mom and daughter go to her house to check in on her and soon discover that the funny way she's acting might be beyond just being old. It could because grandma is a relic.
The kind of relic that makes the fact that grandma's house is out in the middle of nowhere a good plot for a scary movie. Y'know.... like this one.



The Relic might not be the most bonechilling movie of the year, or the most original or even the most self explanatory story you'll get out of 2020, but there's enough quality fear-inducing atmosphere and edge of the seat creepiness here to make it quite a watch worthy horror flick for any fan looking to satiate their fix for the frightful.

  To be honest, I'm usually not a real big fan of any kind of exploitation films.
However Faster Pussycat's reputation as a classic of the genre made me curious enough to give it a looksee. And as it turned out, when I first heard one of the crazy female characters in this black and white bad girls flick say the line "Honey, we don't like nothing soft. Everything we touch is hard",
I knew instantly that I wuz in love.

A revealing look into the world of ballet.
And just as I suspected,
them ballerinas,
they is some crazy ass, not to mention dark and disturbed, bitches.
Which, for me, means that I gotta hook up with one of 'em soon.

A neglected high school girl summons up the courage to ask the boy of her dreams out to the prom. And when he turns her down, she ends up summoning her effed up parents to help her capture the boy's heart. With the intent of drilling the idea of her undying love into his head.
Literally.

A date movie from down under in which the term "getting lucky" means "getting out". Alive.

  Hey, do you guys really wanna know what happened to Baby Jane?
  She went bat-sh#t crazy is what happpened.
  And don't worry... I'm not spoiling anything by telling you that.



 Even though movies with "bad gals" had been around for many decades by the time of this film's release, with villainous women doing their best to catch up to the terrorizing antics their male counterparts, What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? introduces one of the most iconic. And it's no coincidence that it does so by reviving the careers of two of the most iconic actresses from the Golden Age of Hollywood, Joan Crawford and Bette Davis. Two actresses who's decade long diva-centered rivalry was almost as iconic as they were.

To be totally honest,
even though she did appear in a couple of films in which her thespian skillz are evident (Casino, The Muse),
the truth is, I was never really all that impressed with Sharon Stone's acting ability.
In this film however, I think that the character of Catherine Tramell provides the ultimate role of sexy-over-substance that is the essence of Stone's style early in her career. She seems to be able to effortlessly portray a woman who knows that the only way to grab onto the balls of a man's world is not so much to be a lady,
but to be an in-yo-face femme fatale who has enough cajonas to casually display even her most basic instinct.

  I remember once reading a popular movie-reviewer starting his critique of this film as "Monster is based on a true story of a woman gone sociopath."
And when I read that sentence, I realized that the truth is, from what limited knowledge I've been able to gather in my experiences in the dating world, most horror flicks based on psycho-bitches can probably be claimed to be based on a true story. When I recall the way many of my break-ups with previous girlfriends went, hell, I wouldn't at all shocked if someone told me that the Exorcist was based on a true story.
  So, as engaging this semi-autobiographical tale of two murderous lesbians on the warpath, the truth is, it's probably not too far from what most single people who are putting themselves "out there" have experienced.
  Guys, am I right?

  Inside is a movie about adopting a baby outside the conventional means.
What those means are, I don't really wanna mention other than to say this film is part of the whole New French movement of horror motion pictures. And as anyone whole know anything about the New French Movement can surmise, it's pretty fucked up.

  In other words, based on the basic theme of this list, if this movie isn't worthy enough to have an entry on this list,
I don't know what does.
  Watch at your own risk. 

This entry has nothing to do with gender type.
Because, the truth is, no matter whether she's starring in a movie or not,
Kathy Bates always frightens me.

  Honestly,
I don't know what Carrie's big deal was with the pig's blood an' all.
I mean, at least she had a date for the prom.

  There was no need to be such a bitch about it.
  But, then again....
now that I think about...
when you see how much of a bitch her mom was,
maybe she just couldn't help it.
It was just in her blood.

Y'know how when you try to wake up your foot after it's fallen asleep and it then feels there are like a hundred thin needles are piercing into your flesh?
Well, raise the level of that feeling from uncomfortable to horrific,
add a little razor-wire and an angelic smile,
and there you go.
You've got this movie.
Rarely does the face of horror look so beautiful and yet hurt so torturously bad at the same time.

Okay, after the popularity of this movie, we all know by know that Hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned.
And when when die (God forbid...!), if we end up going to Hell (God forbid....!), we just might find that there are no bunnies to be found in Hell (at least, not anywhere south of the river Styx, that is).
Not because there aren't any bunnies that don't deserve to go to Hell after they've "croaked", mind you....
It's just that, all the scorned women who are down there as a result of the fury that they wrought, well, y'know.... they put 'em all to boil.
I mean think about it,
the heat is already there.
They've been scorned. And since they're in Hell already, it's not like they're gonna get in trouble for boiling the bunnies.
Down there, they can boil 'em to their heart's content.
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
Hell must be Paradise for women who have been scorned.
No wonder there is no fury like their's.