Favorite Movie Quotes

Oh, God, I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams.

It's the so-called "normal" guys who always let you down. Sickos never scare me. At least they're committed.


You poor guys. Always confusing your pistols with your privates.

Never send a boy to do a woman's job

I've never seen that. I've never seen anybody drive their garbage down to the street and bang the hell out of it with a stick. I-I've never seen that.

Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry sh*t continues, shoot me now, please.


I'm gonna hit you so hard, your children will be born bruised!

Broke into the wrong goddamn rec room, didn't ya you bastard!

God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs...

Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the earth...

Oh no, you did NOT shoot that green sh*t at me!

Excuse me! Excuse me! EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!
If you don't mind, the "corpse" *STILL* has the floor!

It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?

Sure, why not?

He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him.

First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have... reproductive organs under those little, white pants. It's just so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. You know, what's the point of living... if you don't have a d*ck?

Oh my god you're hurt... I mean, suck it up, be a man and rub some dirt on it.

I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!

No, no, no, no. You gotta listen to the way people talk. You don't say "affirmative," or some sh*t like that. You say "no problemo." And if someone comes on to you with an attitude you say "eat me." And if you want to shine them on it's "hasta la vista, baby."

Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear.


What's with you? Yesterday you were normal and today you're like the Chinese guy from the Karate Kid. What's with you today?

What's with today today?

I'm loud, darling, but never cheap.

Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

Hey! I tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead! One, two, ten!

Keep the change, you filthy animal!

Are we limp and hard to manage?

Every man's ready to get married when the right girl comes along.

You know, I think I understand what you're like now. You're very beautiful and you think men are only interested in you because you're beautiful, but you want them to be interested in you because you're you. The problem is, aside from all that beauty, you're not very interesting. You're rude, you're hostile, you're sullen, you're withdrawn. I know you want someone to look past all that at the real person underneath but the only reason anyone would bother to look past all that is because you're beautful. Ironic, isn't it? In an odd way you're your own problem.

Sorry. Wrong line. I am not taken aback by your keen insight and suddenly challenged by you.

I hope I give you the sh*ts, you f*cking wimp.

Who put the acid in my Spam?


Haven't you ever wanted to just disappear, lunch boy? Poof, you're gone? You'd be surprised how interesting people become when they think you're *really* stupid.

*Everything*! Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that the child be taken. I took him. You cowered before me, I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down, and I have done it all for *you*! I am exhausted from living up to your expectations of me. Isn't that generous?

It's like my mom always said: "Two tears in a bucket, motherf*ck it."

But what about our lessons? Pay as you go, earn as you learn. What were you going to teach me, Mr. Pyatt? And you said I was gonna love it, love being touhed by a man like you.

If I may, so long as the woman you love lives, and lives for you, all the privilege I claim for my own sex, and it is not a very enviable one - you need not covet it, is that of loving longest when all hope is gone.

But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.