British Comedy: Hark at Barker

Years: 1969-70
Broadcaster: ITV (LWT)
Genre: Sitcom, Sketch
Written by*: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley,
Bernard McKenna, Bill Oddie, Graeme Garden,
John Brendan, John Junkin, Eric Idle,
Chris Miller, Mike Sharland, Robert E. Bailey,
Tony Baird, Andy Baker, Phillipe Le Bars,
Cyril Bell, Geoff Rowley, Lew Schwarz
Stars: Ronnie Barker, Josephine Tewson
Episodes: 15
Episode Average: 7.867

BEST EPISODES:
Rustless on Law (1970), Rustless on Medicine (1970)

*Paul Caulfield was a pseudonym of Alan Ayckbourn,
and Gerald Wiley was a pseudonym of Ronnie Barker.

SERIES ONE

(1969)
8 episodes
Series Score: 60
Episode Average: 7.50
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

MEET LORD RUSTLESS

Originally broadcast: 11 April 1969
Directed by: Maurice Murphy
Written by: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley, Chris Miller,
John Brendan, Bill Oddie

Lord Rustless battles with lumps as he shares his views about people.

SKETCHES:
My Brother Henry --- I Don't Trust Doctors --- The Fetcher Carrier
Fat Can Be Dangerous --- Bates's Nanny --- The Cinema --- My Cousin

"Well, yes, that's settled then, Badger, yes. You fix it up with Cook, and I'll lay on the parlour maid."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

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S1E2

RUSTLESS ON WOMEN

Originally broadcast: 18 April 1969
Directed by: Maurice Murphy
Written by: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley, John Junkin,
Graeme Garden, Bill Oddie, John Brendan

Lord Rustless receives a telegram as he talks about the fairer sex.

SKETCHES:
The Fastest Lifts in the World --- Edward & Phyllis: Cruise
The Sculptor --- Underwear --- The Romantic Dinner
100th Birthday

"I say, by the way, Badger, did you... did you experience her dumpling last night? I've got a feeling she makes them out of self-raising cement."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

RUSTLESS ON MILITARY HISTORY

Originally broadcast: 25 April 1969
Directed by: Maurice Murphy
Written by: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley, John Junkin,
Chris Miller, Bill Oddie, Eric Idle

Lord Rustless has trouble with Dithers as he tries to reenact a battle.

SKETCHES:
The Author and the Inland Revenue --- The Cover Girl
Parties --- I'm Not Drunk --- Nasty Gassy Stuff

"Oh, no, no, no Bates. The chambermaid wasn't in his nightshirt. No, she was... she was just in his bed, you see. I mean, the 5th Earl, you know, used to feel the cold rather. And as they didn't have electric blankets in those days, he used to use a chambermaid instead."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

RUSTLESS ON ETIQUETTE

Originally broadcast: 2 May 1969
Directed by: Maurice Murphy
Written by: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley, Graeme Garden,
Eric Idle, Bill Oddie

Lord Rustless gets confused when he invites his staff to a mock banquet.

SKETCHES:
Moving Things Around --- The Yokel --- The Hard-Boiled Egg
Prepare to Meet Thy Doom --- Edward & Phyllis: In Bed
Say It With Flowers

"No, Bates, sit down. Don't move again for goodness sake. You're confusing everyone hopping up and changing sex every five minutes."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

RUSTLESS ON LITERATURE

Originally broadcast: 9 May 1969
Directed by: Maurice Murphy
Written by: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley, Bill Oddie,
Graeme Garden, John Brendan, John Junkin

Lord Rustless finds graffiti in his books while discussing literature.

SKETCHES:
Beware of the Bog --- Children's Television --- The Car Thief
Marriage Guidance Bureau --- Relaxing the Brain --- Careless Writing

"Now, you listen to me. If you think I'm going to take this sort of thing lying down, I'm not standing for it. So, jolly well sit up and take notice."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

RUSTLESS ON TRAVELLING ABROAD

Originally broadcast: 16 May 1969
Directed by: Maurice Murphy
Written by: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley, Bill Oddie,
Graeme Garden, Mike Sharland, Geoff Rowley, Andy Baker

Lord Rustless realises that he's left something behind in Casablanca.

SKETCHES:
Cook's Cousin Hubert Pt.1 --- Edward & Phyllis: The Party
Cook's Cousin Hubert: Pt.2 --- Drunk In Charge of a Television
Cook's Cousin Hubert: Pt.3

"Nobody... Nobody enjoys travelling. I mean, it's rather like marriage, in a way. I mean, necessary but not fun. Er, all you do on both cases is to explore a few places, get blisters everywhere, and spend your whole time trying to get used to the food."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E7

RUSTLESS ON ASTRONOMY

Originally broadcast: 23 May 1969
Directed by: Maurice Murphy
Written by: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley, Lew Schwarz,
Mike Sharland, Tony Baird, Phillipe Le Bars

Lord Rustless loses a planet while talking about the solar system.

SKETCHES:
The Underground --- Communication Problems
There's Someone On the Pitch --- Chef's Pride
Service For Cecil --- An Awful Lot of Beauty About

"Bubble and squeak? That's probably what I shall be doing when
I've had it."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E8

RUSTLESS ON ANTIQUES

Originally broadcast: 30 May 1969
Directed by: Maurice Murphy
Written by: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley, Bill Oddie,
Graeme Garden, Cyril Bell

Lord Rustless finds a tunnel after talking about items found in his home.

SKETCHES:
Billy Weymouth's Girls --- The Transport Café --- C'est la TV

"Oh, yes. Now, this is a feather from the pillow of the actual bed which Queen Elizabeth would have occupied had she slept here."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SERIES TWO

(1970)
7 episodes
Series Score: 58
Episode Average: 8.29
Perfect 10's: 1

S2E1

RUSTLESS ON MUSIC

Originally broadcast: 10 July 1970
Directed by: Maurice Murphy
Written by: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley, Bernard McKenna

Lord Rustless receives a huge parcel while the staff rehearse for a show.

SKETCHES:
Her Desert Love --- How to... Get Married --- The Record Shop

"You don't get pigs crowing at five o'clock in the morning, do you? No, they grunt, same as anybody else."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

RUSTLESS ON LAW

Originally broadcast: 17 July 1970
Directed by: Maurice Murphy
Written by: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley, Bernard McKenna

Lord Rustless is threatened with a summons as he presides over a trial.

SKETCHES:
How to... Be a Private Detective --- Post No Bills
Trouser Thief --- They're Only Men

"Listen, Cook, you will kindly address me as 'M'lud' or 'Your Honour'. Civility is the keynote of all court proceedings... you daft looking old idiot."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

RUSTLESS ON COMMUNICATIONS

Originally broadcast: 24 July 1970
Directed by: Maurice Murphy
Written by: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley, Bernard McKenna

Lord Rustless gets an earful when he gets on the blower to the servants.

Sketches:
The Public Payphone --- Billy Weymouth: Seaside Holiday
The Written Word

"I say, do you realise what this means? It means I smoked an entire lead pencil before breakfast. Well, I thought it tasted foul."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

RUSTLESS ON COOKING

Originally broadcast: 31 July 1970
Directed by: Maurice Murphy
Written by: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley, Bernard McKenna

Lord Rustless has to give Cook the sack in order to access the kitchen.

SKETCHES:
Sound Effects Dept. --- How to Lose Weight --- The Onion Seller

"And you see, I was about to give you a short demonstration on the art of preparing a meal, but obviously we've got to gain access to the kitchen first, because you mark my words, that't the best place to do it. I mean, the number of decent meals that have been prepared and cooked in a billiard room for instance could be counted on the fingers of a short-sighted butcher."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

RUSTLESS ON MEDICINE

Originally broadcast: 7 August 1970
Directed by: Maurice Murphy
Written by: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley, Bernard McKenna

Lord Rustless finds himself dealing with an epidemic at Chrome Hall.

SKETCH:
Helping Others --- How to... Care For the Sick
Advice About Girls --- Ear Operation

"It's my belief that if everyone sprayed their flies with disinfectant, there'd be a lot less trouble in Britain today."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

RUSTLESS ON DO-IT-YOURSELF

Originally broadcast: 14 August 1970
Directed by: Maurice Murphy
Written by: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley,
Robert E. Bailey, Bernard McKenna

Lord Rustless starts work on a bottling pantry to show off his DIY skills.

SKETCHES:
Music All the Time --- How to... Build a Garden Shed
The Street Cleaner

"It's music all the time now, isn't it? Morning, noon and night. I mean it's music while you work, eat, shop shave, and sh... and practically everything."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E7

RUSTLESS ON SPORT

Originally broadcast: 21 August 1970
Directed by: Maurice Murphy
Written by: Peter Caulfield, Gerald Wiley, Bernard McKenna

Lord Rustless talks balls and organises a demonstration football match.

SKETCHES:
Commentator --- Cricket Umpire --- Short of Officials --- Bowling

"Of course, the trouble was the damn women out there was so patriotic, I had the devil's own job persuading them not to lower the flag at sunset."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

LORD
RUSTLESS

Played by Ronnie Barker
15 episodes (1969-1970)
in... Rustless on Sport (S2E7)

MILDRED
BATES

Played by Josephine Tewson
15 episodes (1969-1970)
in... Rustless on Military History (S1E3)

BADGER

Played by Frank Gatliff
15 episodes (1969-1970)
in... Rustless on Military History (S1E3)

COOK

Played by Mary Baxter
15 episodes (1969-1970)
in... Rustless on Law (S2E2)

DITHERS

Played by David Jason
10 episodes (1969-1970)
in... Rustless on Music (S2E1)

EFFIE

Played by Moira Foot
7 episodes (1970)
in... Rustless on Sport (S2E7)