Total Film's 50 Best Homer Simpson Quotes Of All T

1. “D’oh!”

2. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.”

3. “Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.”

4. “Oh my god, space aliens. Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!”

5. “‘To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?”

6. “Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.”

7. “Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.”

8. “If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.”

9. “Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the colour of his skin… but what good does that do me?”

10. “Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”

11. “Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

12. “Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You/re making a scene’.”

13. “It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”

14. “They’re my only escape from the drudgery of work and family … No offense.”

15. “When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy”.”

16. “I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.””

17. “I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.”

18. “Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.”

19. “Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.”

20. "Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV guides... so many memories..."

21. “Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14 percent of all people know that.”

22. “Being popular is the most important thing in the world!”

23. “No TV and no beer makes Homer something something.”

24. “When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!”

25. “I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised I could beat my dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.”

26. “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

27. “All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”

28. “To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”

29. “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!”

30. “Lord help me, I’m just not that bright.”

31. “I can’t even say the word ‘titmouse’ without giggling like a schoolgirl.”

32. "The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."

33. "Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.”

34. “Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.”

35. “Forty seconds? But I want it now!”

36. “Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret Lover.”

37. "Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty to make a complete ass of myself."

38. “I’m like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?”

39. “I’ve gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren’t just confined to zoos.”

40. “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”

41. “Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?”

42. “Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'

43. “The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.”

44. "Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...thy will be done."

45. "Look Marge, you don't know what it's like -- I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!"

46. “A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid centre.”

47. “I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.”

48. “My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine!”

49. “I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”

50. “What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.”